The Devil's DMS
A brief riff on Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary.
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Intermittent Selective Gregariousness (ISG)
A rare and useful disorder, where one presumably has the ability to choose at will when to be in society and be alone. Thankfully, there is no known cure.
Sporadic Erectile Narcolepsy (SEN) (eloquently described in a classic Montaigne Essay)
The more excited the little guy gets, the more sleepy he is. Maybe there are two forms, one closer to simple death?
Shifting Baseline Syndrome (SBS) (Not to be confused with Receding Hairline Syndrome (RHS), though the two share a remarkable coefficient of correlation.
The slow, imperceptible decline in vitality and life expectations, only discovered when it is too late to reverse.
Restless Fetus Syndrome (RFS)
Is your baby kicking way too much in the womb? Can’t quite settle down? Time to nip ADD in the bud/fetus. Certainly don't want your child taking Adderall in the classroom.
Seasonal Dissatisfaction Disorder (SDD) (In no way to be confused with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), which itself is in no way to be confused with (SAD) Seasonal Affect Disorder. And please don't confuse any of these with SADNESS. Sometimes it is perfectly natural to feel SAD. And if you can't, we have a drug for that too.
1. Winter: Blah! I’m tired of making snowmen! And it reminds me of death!
2. Spring: The fecundity and promise of life and vitality depresses me!
3. Summer: Whatever …
4. Fall: …
“Winter spring summer and fall, all you gotta do is call, and I'll be there yes I will, you’ve got a drug”. Thanks James Taylor.
Auto Adjusting Neurosis (AAN)
Every time you take a new drug, it automatically adjusts to your own particular madness.
Therefore …
Neuropharmacology Crop Rotation (NCR)
Human Existence Disorder (HED) (the disorder for which all others are a subset)
For further research, please refer to ...
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