A Guide to Harassment in the Modern Age

Attention all male (female etc) harassers! I adjure you to give up on human females (males etc) and start molesting inanimate objects. Rocks, rivers, trees — a large stuffed animal that you won at the state fair (merely a hypothetical case. One you gave a male name to in childhood, then everything got a bit squidgy in puberty). Who’s gonna tell? Just build a Snowman/Woman/Transgender and grope away! The evidence will melt away the next sunny day!

But wait. What if Neo-Pantheism is correct? What if every single inanimate object is imbued with some sort of nascent form of life or intelligence? Could you be sued? Is it possible to molest a neutrino? (although they are notoriously coy and slippery) I don’t know, but I’m going to find out!

“I kissed a rock and I liked it!”

Just read an article regarding Einsteinian time/space curves and this phrase popped up — “A Curvy Cosmos”. Can you be sued for harassing the universe? It's really tricky. There are certain folds in space/time that suggest the outline of an ass. Can’t I spank it?

The Holy Ghost molested the Virgin Mary and it worked out pretty well because we got Jesus Christ out of the bargain. Yet this was some serious Christian on Jewish crime. But hey, that’s how you get away with it. Just be an amorphous, religious concept and grope away!

Confessions of a serial cat harasser:

8:47 PM: I just called a female cat I am house sitting for {name redacted as to protect the “innocent”} “Sugar paws Mcgraw.”

9:27 PM: I just told her to “get her sweet ass off my hot laptop” (or on my hot laptop? Portable computer or my groin?). Can’t quite remember because I was way too drunk. I’m sorry kitty!

12:01 PM: Just changed the lyrics of John Lennon’s “Woman” in order to deeply apologize, and stave off any potential PR nightmare.

Kitty, I can hardly express
My mixed emotions and my thoughtlessness
After all I’m forever in your debt

Ooh, well, well
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Ooh, well, well
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

Kitty, I know you understand
The little child inside of the man
Please remember my life is in your hands

And Kitty, hold me close to your heart
However distant don’t keep us apart
After all it is written in the stars

Department stores and malls, (Amazon.com? Even better, because it's online and you can do it from the comfort of your desk chair) offer many opportunities for the serial harasser.

Do

Do not

I’m guessing the below is Verboten, especially if she is the Star of DC comics “Wonder Women”.

Gal Gadot-Varsano[2] (/ɡəˈdɒt/;[3] Hebrew: גל גדות‎ [ˈɡal ɡaˈdot];[4] born 30 April 1985)[5] is an Israeli actress and model. She was born and raised in Israel. At age 18 she was crowned Miss Israel 2004. She then served two years in the Israel Defense Forces as a combat instructor. She began studying at IDC Herzliya college before pursuing modeling and acting.[6]

Sorry, got confused. Here’s the correct photo

Whoops, wrong again. Here it is.

Can’t imagine the nightmare of trying to harass her, only to be lassoed, violently thrown to the ground, and spanked for all the sins of the Patriarchy for the last 12,000 years!

Museums are ripe with opportunity, as long as you can avoid docents and security.

Sorry Marilyn. Not everyone likes it hot. I’m Stone Cold Baby! BTW any self respecting docent would immediately tell you to stop touching the artwork.